Hotty at forty....

Being in your hotty forties in modern(sic) India….

·         The freedom to check out young men or men en generale, without being labelled…very kool

·         The freedom to also check out women…… in appreciation and no envy, no looking for blemishes, scars, imperfections, just appreciation – totally kool

·         The freedom to say what’s on your mind frankly and bluntly  and guess what, be admired for it…ultra kool

·         And the freedom to say completely inappropriate things at inappropriate moments, including comment on your boss’s lady appeal ….super kool

·         That absolute freedom when drama ends in your life, and a certain calmness of being happens…and you wonder and marvel at the drama that the other women indulge in…ice kool

·         The freedom to show genuine affection to people openly – by hugging or touching without the men thinking that I am flirting or the women thinking that I am a nympho or bisexual or both…lol kool

·         The freedom to be as antisocial as you want and crave being by yourself, without you being considered a raving sociopath…uber kool

·         The freedom to down a few mojitos, dance in abandonment , and laugh , throwing your head back and full throatedly, without being thought an exhibitionist or god forbid, a siren…haat kool

·         The freedom to experiment with hair colours, a purple streak perhaps, edgy clothes, and dress for your own personal pleasure…saucy kool

·         The freedom to be selfish and do things that actualize you and only you, without you being judged….freedom kool

·         The freedom to admire all my love handles and stretch marks and still wear my saree delectably low – cos – dammit, I have earned them…..sexy kool

Lest you think that everything is kool, here is a list of unkool…

·         Being called “aunty” by those very same cute guys that you are checking out….awkward unkool

·         Getting weird looks from those very women, whom you compliment…they are probably thinking – weirdo, what does she want…?...sic unkool

·         Being given “gentle feedback” and told how you need to role model – yuck for the younger , impressionable women… boring unkool

·         Being told that I don’t need to be aggressive or God forbid “emotional”  -  when I speak my mind..stereotype unkool

·         Being told mockingly that I am Mother Teresa and I need to react more…fake unkool

·         Being asked to bar tend and cook, every time I go to a party or host one at home…..Masterchef unkool

·         Being told to look at “age appropriate” dressing… WTF does that mean….maybe I need to wear a full length veil or something….such an ass unkool

·         And this, the crème de la  crème -being told that if I need to be taken seriously and get things done at work, I should not color my grays  and I should wrap myself up in grandma sarees , like an Egyptian mummy…lost it unkool…

Kool and unkool for the hotty forties in urban, modern India – mixed bag, but WTF, life’s good, because I simply don’t care and that is totally exhilarating….....

Mere paas Maa hai – An ode to the Swaccha Bharat campaign……

Mr PM, while I am in absolute admiration and support of your Swaccha Bharat campaign, and I will take up the broom in earnest and sweep the streets of the Garbage city of Bangalore –  secretly wanting to sit on the broom and fly away – a la Sabrina, the witch style, let me tell you why the your passionate campaign is doomed to failure – kyunki Mere paas Maa hai – now, how in garbage’s name can you beat that…?

Let us go into the hallowed homes of our nation’s 1.2 billion people , shall we…the lowest common denominator of the Swaccha Bharat – and what do you see…the man of the house drops his clothes all over, as he is getting ready to leave for work, the bathroom is messy, the teenage son has a messy room, the baby has turned the entire house upside down, the dog has pooped on the carpet, the teenage daughter has left all her hair in the bathroom drain and they leave the house….cos, Mere Paas Maa hai, who will faithfully pick up and clean after the adoring hubby, the angelic baby, the stud son and the hot daughter… Now, of course, who picks up after the loving wife, it is the irrepleaceable maid, who  tries to drop them in the garbage bins of the complex, and fails miserably, because she knows that the housekeeping staff will pick up after her…Now, the housekeeping fails to meet the timelines of the BWSSB, because who cares, it is not their mess after all, so let me just drop it and create piles and piles of garbage on the road…and some unnamed poor soul from the Sanitation Dept will pick up after them. In the pecking order of this great pyramid of garbage chain, the poor garbage waits and waits for the next predator who will pick it up…

The hubby in his swank Audi V8, sealed in the cool comfort of his airconditioning, wades through the piles and piles of garbage and the traffic in Viveknagar, rolls his window down in a smooth and silent motion, nonchalantly throws his empty cigarette carton onto the nearest pile – what’s one more piece of garbage after all… the peak needs to be higher… and wonders about people who do not have the decency and the civic sense and curses the Govt, to whom he pays 30% taxes , for not doing their jobs and then sends a thank you to God – for Mere Paas Maa hai…

Menage a trois.....

Ménage a trois...




Big, beautiful, melting black eyes, with butterfly wings for lashes have been my single weakness as far as men are concerned..... ..While trawling the internet for ahem.. friends has never been a hobby for me..... the moment I saw this pair of orbs that I could very easily swim in, I was hooked...it seemed the most natural thing for me to hit the “like” icon... and do a not so casual search on his profile... What I saw intrigued me and enticed me and then, I did the unforgiveable – send out a friend request... to this gorgeous creature – I had crossed the line, had crossed over, and yet, I dint give a damn..... I just had to... had to get to know him...

What followed was sheer magic. ... more messages, each one building on the other, excitement mounting at each picture that was posted, heart beating faster as I gazed longingly into those limpid black pools. Finally, I could bear it no more, I just had to meet him, just once... to get over this madness. And so, we secretly decided to meet one lazy summer evening. I was invited over to his place. While I knew that was dangerous, I seriously could not help myself.. I was pulled magnetically, besides, what is the harm in getting to know him in his natural surroundings, with his family, perfectly safe, or so, I convinced myself. I waited for the evening with unabashed excitement, looked for an excuse to get out of home and drove a long distance with mounting curiosity and pleasure, doing the unthinkable, me a mother of a 11 year old boy, but my heart was beating fast, it had been ages since I felt like this.

Well, surprise of surprise, the house was dark when I landed there. Before I could even knock on the door, the door was thrust open and there he was... The eyes that I had been gazing at every day, limpid gorgeous pools, now fringed with thick lashes. Before I could say a hello, I was enveloped in a tight hug that knocked me over and my face was covered with kisses, oh so gentle and feathery... and need I say more.. I lost my heart and soul. I had to take him home.. I just had to... he was what I was waiting for, my whole life.. I could not let him go...

So, we walked out of that house, promising that we would be together, come what may, we would fight the world to be together, we would create our own little world together...We went home and I introduced him to the two boys, who were until this point, the only men in my life. My hubby of 18 years, knew that he had lost me, he just knew it by the way we looked at each other.. the magical bond that he could not break.. he could only gaze in awe and envy at what we had..My son, oh well, he just realised that he is no longer the centre of my affection and my world and he would have to make do with what I can give him. My mom was horrified, she could not believe that I would have the temerity to bring another man into the house. We stood our ground, we fought long and hard, I threatened to walk with him and finally, they relented and he moved in.

Such bliss my days are.. I am awakened every day with feathery kisses, I am welcomed home with such joyous abandon and deep cuddles and hugs. We play a lot together and laugh together and I have discovered the little girl inside of me that I thought had long gone...Such unconditional love, such absolute affection, my two boys realised the absolute joy that he has brought into my life. My hubby, the generous soul that he is has even relented and allowed him into our bedroom – ménage –a – trois...definitely can be a lot of naughty fun...  :-) :-)

New yet old....

As our earth completed yet another cycle around the sun, in its endless and ceaseless circle of life, and I hear litanies of "Happy New Year", I gaze at the slivers of light dancing on my skin, playing hide and seek...these have travelled billions of years to touch me on this day...I lift my eyes and gaze at a sun, trillions of years away, at a sun, who is ageless and as old as life itself, yet creates new life, a sun which will live into infinity and yet is ooooold...I scan the trees and the mountains, which have lived a million lives and seen a million lives passing...I see each and every one of life's creatures, the ant, the butterfly, the bird, that young lady, that handsome lad, the gracious old lady, the lonely man, the loving couple, all here.. at this point.. on this day.. in this time and space... here because.... something else lived, died and lived again... so, what is new and what is old...we are but incidental...magical we may be...ultimately, cosmic dust.....is what we are...dancing in light on your skin.....

Requiem to an old friend - the sexy frog

As I ramble through the antibiotic induced fuzziness of my mind, I am forced to commune and connect with my old friends - the toads and frogs..... my assumed bootiful and melodious contralto has morphed to the lyrical renditions of a young frog, in desperate, long lost search of its endless tongue.. While the toungy search continues, I realise that one needs to appreciate the throaty sexiness of a croaky bass, a croaky soprano and definitely a croaky contralto....
Definitely something to this croaky, throaty affair...especially if said sexy frog managed to land himself a smackeroo right in the middle of his tongueless nogger by none other than a bootiful princess.... whither is my prince.....?? sighhhhhhhh

Need to inhale.... and exhale...

Its one of life's greatest miracles that all of us take life for granted... After all, what is life - is it a beating heart?, is it a functioning mind?, is it the human body with all its organs functioning...how does one know whether one is alive...? is it my skin which is warm to the touch..? is it my rising and falling chest? is it my moving arms and legs..

What is it...? and whatever it is, is it enough..? How does one live after a life has been lived..? how does one live after the entire life has not been lived up to expectations...? How does one go on when you know that it has been a wasted life...? A life that has been poured out into tall stained glasses from one bottle to the next, a li e that has been spent in hazy recollections, tormented minds, tortured hearts and living in the hallucinations of alcohol induced persecution... How does one live with the knowledge that my body is not what it used to be, my mind is mindless and my heart is heavy with the possibilities of what could have been and what most definitely is not and how does one live with the knowledge that I have been my own murderer.. I have murdered my own sensibilities, I have killed my brain, I have assaulted my senses, I have numbed my feelings and I have alienated love...

How therefore does one go on...? In the twilight of one's life, when I go on my mind's journey, the places I visit are filled with the pain, the longing, the losses and the anger of failures, shame, ridicule and all I see is darkness which is haunted by images whick keep playing and rewinding... playing and rewinding....They talk to me, the mindless chatter, the abominable noise.. endlessly...I struggle to continue my journey...where is my destination...I know not where I am.. therefore, whither will I go...
Do I even need to go...Do I even want to go....

Why do I even need to inhale...or even exhale...?

You stay on Mars, I stay on Venus and lets meet on Earth for a lil nibble and a cuddle and lots of canoodle

So much has been written and said about Men, who are from Mars and Women, who are from Venus and how we need to traverse inter galactic blackholes to get together and travel to Mars and Venus to understand each other etc etc.. ad nauseum, that I decided to put a stop to all of this space travel, and trying to understand each other's world nonsense and save all of us a lot of money and more importantly energy - yup, fuel, which ...yup yup... you guessed right can definitely put to mucho use in canoodling on good old Earth... after all.. what is wrong with good old mother Earth...it could definitely do with some combustible canoodling...




To rewind this record a little, and listen to some lilting sopranos, how many times have you heard these litanies -" Why the hell can't he listen to me, instead of jumping in with his dumbass solutions"? "Why can't he call"? Doesn't he know that I am desperate to hear his voice? Why can't he pick up the wet towels from the floor? Why doesn't he ever put the seat down and flush after he does his whatever...? Why does he disappear whenever I say -"We need to talk ...." and why does romance after marriage mean Wham, Bam, thank you baby... goodnite baby..




Lets hear the baritone version of this piece as well " Why the f.... do you want to tell me all this, if you do not want a solution? Is anything wrong that I need to call? calm down...Whats wrong with a few wet towels lying around.. saves washing them..Whats with the toilet seats and flushing? You said that you loved me.. am a package deal - my poop and all... Talk ? Can we do this tomorrow or never... football is happening....wow, what a fabulous header...eh...you were saying..? This stuck record will go on and on and on.... till this world stops spinning and the fat lady sings - whichever is earlier..




Lets face up to reality - you Martians and Venusians...you guys are plain loco to think that men and women are going to bond like long lost souls and kindred spirits. Tchah, what a complete no brainer to actually think that you will beat the conspiring and audacious machinations of God and Science to make this happen...Lets explore this a little, shall we...




Here's news for you...men and women - you are wired differently... period.. those little long thingies that we call neurons - well, here is news for you..more grey matter in men and more white matter in women..which is why... men get fuzzy when faced with all these stark conversations that women want to have all the time..obviously, when you are filled with grey, you cannot appreciate the whiteness of tiles, or toilet bowls or wasbasins, or clean towels or sheets... or whatever.. get the drift..?


Not only are we wired differently, the fuel that keeps these thingies going - oh yeah, those awesome drugs that we call hormones.. well.. well... whats sauce for the goose is definitely not sauce for the gander - you can bet on that.. Man - oh man, they are filled to their gills with ze testosterones...now to get an understandinhg of what these magical poppers do to you, you need to watch Nat Geo's - Big Cat stories and their ilk. Watch the lions and tigers scratch themselves or lick themselves in unmentionable places, watch them as they bask under the treees and ogle the females, watch them preen themselves in front of the females, watch them mark their territory -( wet towels, etc etc), watch them fight with each other over the females, watch them try and do it with as many females as they can get their paws on and definitely, watch them sleep, satiated while their females hunt for them... now you get the drift of what these powerful testosterone buggers do... of course, of course, these buggers also get you those hairy arms, that masculine chest and that deep voice that you swooned over and lets not forget that sexy stubble..which you and I got carried away with and then bam... we crash land with the other stuff.



Well, the most potent of all addictions are the cocktails and therefore guess what happens when testosterone meets up with hot adrenaline. This explosive cocktail is what is there in plentiful gallons when Martians set out to scan the territory in search of a mate, is pumping in the veins when he is in pursuit of the object of his desire and is in full flow when he is wooing, cooing and whatevering her...


This merry duet continues as the sexy Venusians who are filled with these deliciously hot progesterones, oh my - those pouty lips, the come hither smiles, those dreamy eyes, that awesome scent - one could drown in them and whats with these curves - man and the skin.. you can guess the rest.. well, guess what, adrenaline - the merry mischief maker decides to insinuate himself into Venus as well and voila - the blast happens, the earth moves, the ceiling shakes...and we dissolve into all of that mushy Mills and Boon stuff.... and after that... crash... the man turns over and snores... remember the Big cat...and Venus at this point is filled with overflowing love.. she wants to be cuddled, she wants sweet nothings, she wants hugs, carresses, strokes, bec....ause... at this point in time, adrenaline - the wicked monster in Venus has been pushed out by sweet honeyed dopamine, which, you are absolutely right, makes us women into dopey, mopey, salivating idiots wanting all of the above mushy stuff and wanting to give all of the mushy stuff, but hello... all she gets in return is a turned back, some obnoxious snores and God, dear God, some other unmentionable sounds as well..Now, poor dopamine needs to validate herself, doesn't she...? so she does so with sweet vengeance in lovingly cooked meals, immaculately kept houses, beautifully clean and lovely smelling curtains and bedsheets, pristinely scrubbed bathrooms, toilets and basins.... which.... collides with a well rested and well fed Martian, who now has replenished his testosterone and has become a Martian of wet towels, marking territory, sprawl on couch, scratching belly and other horrific places and watching sport where again testosterone filled males hurt each other and grunt and whoop and draw blodd, which again triggers adrenalineline again, but now, since they are forcefully monogamous... gets misdirected at attacking their careers, their subordinates, marking territiries by creating corporate kingdoms, going out and raiding enemies..read other markets and acquiring all the loots of war like cars, gadgets, watches, which they will now carry as ze spoils of war,...and the never ending cycle of testosterone and adrenaline continues...

Lets see what Venus is doing, shall we...Poor Venus, she is constantly being muddled with doses of adrenaline and dopy dopamine and after all that high, she kinda settles down with soppy serotonin, which leaves her with a permanent sappy smile on her face, makes her walk around, sappy faced and moon eyed picking up wet towels, washing the loo, cleaning up sofas of hair, pizza toppings, chips, falling asleep at a dinner table waiting for her Big cat warrior to come back to the den after a successful hunt, completely blisssed out... not knowing that all that she is dealing with is macho jungle man..and then...one fine day... serotonin needs some company and all she gets is..." I gotta go and kick some butt, ... can this wait...Venus has no time to get shocked as by now, lil Martians or lil Venusians have made tehir appearance and she is being beseiged by the mother of all these drugs - Oxytocin...oh my...oxy tocin.. the word so lovingly rolls off our lips... that wonderful, beautific, loving, nurturing drug that makes you weep and makes you laugh and makes you protect and shelter and feel the pain and the pleasure of all people, especially the young uns.. Venus is filled with the milk of human kindness as well and this makes her want to mother all creatures under the sun, the moon and the stars, including - you said it... raging Martian as well...She wants to nurture and bond and explore the breadth and depth of relationships and intimacy and what not babble, under the absolutely addictive influence of oxy...to..cin, while he looks on in absolute dismay and horror at the process of his Venus turning into horror of horrors - his mother....



Now, do you see what is happening here.. You definitely cannot blame Martians and Venusians for what they are.. they are so out of control in their loops... Martians with their never ending cycle of testos and adros and Venus - damn confusing mate - am not sure what she wants, I don't even understand her, when she has the look and I go to her, she says she has a headache, she constantly wants to talk...she constantly wants to feed me and know where I am and what I do.. and she constantly complains that I have no romance in me...heaven's sake - I bought her a food processor and that awesome Haier refrigerator with those bells and whistles...yet, she is not happy... These women...



What do u expect..u cavemen, we are constantly under the influence of cocktails...we need our highs as well....you know...



Enough on drugs...even biologically, M's and V's are made differently...don't you think? With men - everything is so in your face, nothing subtle about attractions and the other "tions"...It is all so obvious and visible...With women, on the other hand, everything is hidden, internal and intrinsic... The Big "O"'s - for men - you can't miss it - can u...? with V's - it is again a damn internal process, can't explain, a lil fuzzy magic.. etc etc.. No wonder, men are interested in "outcomes" and women in "processes"... :-) :-) Jeez, what a no brainer...



Thus, lets not waste time in figuring men and women out... This is a total washout.. give up exploring Mars and Venus...you can't fight Science and God.. let go...



Venus, when you are flooded with adro, go find a Martian and get him to earth and canoodle with him.. real good on good old earth...and once that is done, send him to fight his wars, and hunt his enemies, and shed his blood and pump his muscles and whatever.. When you get dopey and mopey, call another Venus over or a bunch of them and process things to death and when you are hit by the magical oxytocin.....set up a community with all your sister venusians and bring up the young uns into decent Martians and Venusians...



As for you Martians, go and hunt, fight wars, get your trophies - (Venusians like some of them...,especially the expensive ones....) shed blood and get scars, scratch your bellies and roam around with your buddies, drink yourself silly and puke into rivers...and do come back once in a while to check on us...... for you never know.... while you are doing all of this.... we venusians may be checking out other Martians....after all.... Darwin's theory of natural selection needs to happen... LOL ... LOL